Moving Again... a study on impermanence.

I just moved for the third time in 2 years (don't ask!) and I was lying in bed last night, first night in the "new" place, and couldn't sleep. The feeling of the impermanence of everything in life, including my own life and the lives of those I love, was feeling so heavy.

The first line of the book The Road Less Traveled is "Life is difficult." I remember reading those words 10 years ago and thinking that it was stupid, but now I understand it in a different way. I realized that I have been waiting for life to get easy and things to settle down and change less so I could relax. I've been coming to understand in a new way (not simply from an intellectual perspective) that the nature of life itself is that it is constantly changing and it's challenging. So I might as well relax now, right? I was discussing this with my friend Mary Kay, and she said, "Instead of waiting for things to settle before you relax, why don't you relax and see what settles?" Amazingly profound.

I'm learning why the very nature of life feels so weighty to me at the moment. I suspect it's because this understanding is moving from an intellectual understanding, and into my being via the body, so I'm feeling this concept as emotions and sensations. And it feels like a loss. A loss of security in the traditional sense. Who knows what will fill it's place, or how long that will be around.

Although I'm not sure it's been all that practical, these moves, I think, have been good for me. They have been a constant reminder of the impermanence of Life, and everyone and everything in it. I have been unable to become complacent as it relates to change and impermanence because the minute I start to feel settled everything is changing again. I also just realized as I'm writing this that my moves have all been right at or very near solstices or equinoxes, which is another marker of change. Another friend, Karen, was suggesting I remain mindful of the unconscious associations I may make with these events as it relates to the time of year. For example, she was recalling when a beloved pet died in the late fall, and for a long time couldn't figure out why she kept getting depressed in the fall.

As I ponder the constant change, and the fleeting nature of everyone and everything around me, I am more appreciative of the time I have with people and circumstances. I've also realized which possessions I care most about. A person really figures out what belongings are meaningful when they have to haul them around all the time. And what has simply been hanging around is more easily discarded. It's a good exercise.

I'm not sure where this is all going, so for now, I'll settle for this understanding and more appreciation for everything Life has to offer. Even the stuff that doesn't seem so great at the time.