A couple of months ago, I was at a workshop and the teacher asked about our first yoga "experience" and whether we continued to practice because we were trying to replicate that same feeling again. I don't have any particular insights, except that it reminded me of what they say about drugs, the first high is the best and people keep getting high hoping for that same experience, but it's never that good again.
I'm not sure things are that dire as a yoga practitioner, but I do recall that with my first teacher, at a time when I was healing from a profound heartbreak, tears would roll down my face at the end of class after deep backbends. It was a silent, private thing, and I definitely knew that something important and meaningful was happening to me because of the yoga I was practicing.
Later, I was fortunate to have a teacher that was able to hold this amazing energetic space for a feeling of being in "yoga". I'm sure that feeling is quite individual, and for me it has to do with a knowing that comes over me at certain times, and it's accompanied by color displays in my inner vision and certain sensations in my physical body. It likely had as much to do with my level of development at the time, and yet, I've often lamented the "loss" of that experience of being led in a practice, not having to think, and being with a teacher gifted enough to guide me through a practice that gives me that feeling of the yoga "high".
It's never been exactly like those two experiences since, and I doubt it ever will be again. I realized that I've also thought it hasn't been as good. The recognition came today that I was wrong; it's not only just as good, it's much better. What is different is the less obvious nature of the experience. The territory I walk now is much deeper in the woods. It's quieter, the changes on the surface terrain more subtle, so the work happens below the surface layer, and more substantial the discoveries because of it. There really are no guides for the path that leads within, except the Inner Guru, and as Ana Forrest would say the "Sacred Ones".
The lesson is not that there is no outer teacher for me, but that I must take full responsibility from here on out- for my practice, my life, my healing and the outer expression of what's inside me. Admittedly, I wish there was someone to whom I could turn for all the answers, but the Truth is that everything we need is already inside us, we just have to go find it. And that means whether we are practicing alone, carried by the energy of practicing with others, or led by a teacher, the direction to go is always the same-within. And that's where all the really good stuff is anyways.
P.S. I've had one spot open up for the Fall Retreat Oct.3-5, 2014 - email me if you're interested!!
more info: http://yogalodge.com/retreats/doyle.html
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